"We are responsible for everything in our lives, including how
the chemistry in our bodies works or doesn't work." Wayne Dyer's words
hit me like a bolt of lightening as I listened to his taped book, You'll
See It When You Believe It.
Throughout the years, I had suffered
tremendously with bouts of allergies and asthma; it wasn't until that
moment that I had a confirmation I could eliminate my allergy problems.
The asthma attacks had been under control since leaving the mid west
where I was born and raised. This move eliminated contact with cattle
hair and grain dust and other pollens indigenous to the area, which I
had extreme allergic reactions with.
I often spoke, to anyone who
would listen, about how the mind heals the body or allows the body to
become ill. This knowledge was based on my thoughts, reading and
research. As I spoke about my 'belief/knowledge' my bouts with allergies
hung heavy in my mind. In all of my reading, nothing clicked as a
solution until that moment in September 1989. I was 47 years old. As I
had learned while studying transactional analysis, Dr. Dyer, also, held
the premise: "We are responsible for everything in our lives." "OK,
Wayne," I said, "I agree. Now what? How can I take responsibility for
the chemistry in my body when my immune system is damaged? My immune
system contains chemicals," I reminded myself. "I am responsible for
those chemicals doing their job. What am I doing or not doing that is
responsible for the chemicals not doing their job?" I asked myself
fervently.
A few days later I began, in earnest, to be a
detective. I revisited myself as an infant in the crib. With much
satisfaction and pride, my father has told the story that he knew how to
quiet a howling infant. With his hand, big and muscular from working as
a cattle rancher, he 'patted my back with three or four hard, quick
pats, 'You,' he proudly announced, 'stopped howling. You seemed to like
it,' he concluded, 'because you always stopped howling.'
My father
was physically abused as a child, and he carried the legacy into his
parenting. He did not consider the 'hard quick pats' on my tiny back as
abusive, nor would anyone necessarily consider either of us as abused at
the time of our upbringings; some people would not consider it abuse
today. In the days of my father's childhood, and those of my own, this
type of behavior with a child was viewed as stringent discipline for a
child obviously needing corrective action. However, with certainty, my
abuse began when I was an infant in the bassinet. As I revisited my
infancy and childhood, no new memories came forth. This was frustrating.
I had not found any new clues. "Chemicals. I am responsible for my
chemicals. How can I take responsibility for those chemicals?" The
answer seemed elusive, but I was determined. "Chemicals? What mechanism
triggers the release of my chemicals?"
"Ye gads! The brain. The
brain sends messages to all systems in the body. The portion of the
brain that controls the chemicals is often called 'the old brain': it is
the 'fight-flight' mechanism that instantaneously (no need for
conscious command) sends chemicals so the system can 'fight or flee.'
"So what has that got to do with allergies?" I asked myself.
"Allergies, allergies, allergy attack, allergy attack--am I getting
somewhere? I am being attacked by pollen--so? What is the link between
allergy attacks and being an abused child? Allergy attack--allergy
attack." Days and weeks passed. I repeatedly mulled the thought,
"Allergy attack, child abuse, allergy attack, child abuse: there is a
link. I know there is a link. What is the link?"
When the human
system is attacked by something, the immune system instantaneously sends
chemicals to fight the invasion. "My system is damaged since being
frightened as an infant," I lamented. "What can I do now? I am
responsible for the chemicals in my body," I reminded myself. "How do I
make a system work that has been damaged? If my brain controls the
chemicals and my thoughts control my brain, I can control those
chemicals. Nevertheless,
how can I control the chemicals? The link-where is the link?"
I
began thinking about the incidents of physical abuse. I saw my father's
menacing figure coming at me--his face red, hand raised, swearing and
shouting. Whack, his large hand hit the side of my head. ATTACK! My
father attached me verbally and physically. There is the link! Allergy
attack's verbal/physical attack--the two had emerged in my psyche as the
same.
To understand the physiological and psychological
construct, one needs to accept the reality that the physical body and
psyche are intertwined. One is not separate from the other. To
understand the emergence of allergy attacks with verbal or physical
attacks in my psyche, we need to discern my experience as an infant in
the bassinet. The five senses: hearing, sight, smell, taste, and touch
are an infant's only means of understanding their world and
communicating. Three of the five senses are activated by the technique
such as my father's to quiet a howling infant: The infant hears the
father's footsteps and, in the first instance, assumes that someone is
coming to comfort her. The father says, 'Be quiet [shut up];' in a loud
voice; simultaneously the impact of a hard, quick pat is registered
(touch). The shock of the loud voice (hearing) and hard pat (touch) is
reacted to by a restriction in crying (breathing)--breathing and smell
are synonymous.
The shock of the loud voice and physical impact
has knocked the breath from the infant. When the infant's autonomic
system reactivates breathing, the infant breathes in the smell of cattle
hair and grain odor, which permeates the father's clothes. In many
instances, the mother responds to the crying infant; however, the infant
is unable to distinguish when the mother or father will respond.
Therefore, the infant soon recognizes the footsteps of the father, but
has no way to escape. Her fight and flight mechanism is triggered, and
chemicals surge through her body requiring additional oxygen as her
heart rate and breathing increase. As she attempts to bring in oxygen,
she simultaneously constricts her crying; the two conflict with each
other. This causes swelling in the bronchial system, which is how asthma
is manifested--restricted bronchial passage.
Not withstanding,
humans have evolved with immunities to the elements that are common to
the environment. With rare exceptions, the human immune system, as a
chemically functioning system, is adequate to protect the organism. In
an experience such as mine, the infant's psyche is being imprinted
through three of the five senses. This leaves a powerful impact. As in
my case, cattle hair and grain odors are associated with fear and not
being able to breathe. Thus, my asthma/allergies became a physical
reaction to fear, distress and the sensation associated with any strong
smells. I remember experiencing asthma attacks when I was anticipating a
stressful situation involving my father or if he verbally attacked me.
Through
listening to my past feelings and watching my reactions, I accepted the
reality that my immune system had been damaged. The doctors also told
me my immune system was ineffective, but they blamed it on a fact of
genetics fluke, something I had to accept. I dutifully accepted my fate;
after all, doctors know the human body and are healers-they know best.
The next step, I began observing my physical reactions whenever I
started having allergic reactions. "What did I tell myself-what did I
tell my brain?
My brain has the power to send chemicals to my
immune system. Why weren't my chemicals there when I needed them?" I
observed and observed. One day I noticed a very subtle body sensation,
so subtle that I hardly noticed its presence. The body sensation was so
faint and so far away. I barely captured it. "What was the origin of
this faint sensation? Listen carefully, listen, observe, listen. Yes,
yes, there it is: Shut down, shutdown, do not move, do not think, do not
feel, do not react, you cannot do anything, shutdown.'" My heartbeat
seemed so still. It was very faint. I took my pulse and had a hard time
finding it. "How is that connected to my chemicals? How is that
connected to my immune chemicals not being sent?" I continued to listen
and observe my body's reaction to smells.
Ye gads! The thought
came into my mind. My fight-flight command was not being activated.
Instead, I was telling my fight-flight system to shut down. WHAT? The
fight-flight mechanism is fundamental to the survival of the system. I
was telling mine to shut down. My mind then wandered back to the
incident when my father attempted to chase me with the horse. I realized
that was the time I shut my fight-flight system down more than it had
ever been shut down. "Do not move, do not move, do not think, do not
feel, do not react, you cannot do anything, shut down." My heart stood
still as the horse jolted to a stop in front of me, his hot breath
blowing in my face. From that point on, I remember not feeling the pain
when my father hit me. I was completely shut down.
As the days
passed, I continued to listen to and observe my breathing. As I
observed, I became aware that I became passive when a sneeze was an
allergic sneeze. The thought was, "There is nothing you can do, the
pollen attacks and you are in a lot of pain and feel sick and can hardly
function, but it only lasts a short time. Withstand the pain--keep
going--it will pass." As a child, I could not fight or flee.
Emotionally, to survive the verbal and physical attacks, I became
passive by telling myself, "The best course of action is to do nothing."
This thought process subconsciously blocked the transference of
survival chemicals to protect my system from danger. When the chemicals
were sent, I could feel the bone-chilling pain before and after the
assault. I did not like this chilling pain and, therefore, instructed
myself to shut down.
Eureka, the final link! I had trained my
brain to stop sending the fundamental fight-flight chemicals used to
protect the system. No wonder the doctor gave me adrenaline shots when
my natural chemicals did not work. Adrenaline is the major chemical the
immune system sends to fight or flee. The next step was to monitor the
messages I gave myself when I sneezed. The pattern was consistent-I
became very passive, I could feel my senses shut down. All my muscles
relaxed, no outward emotion. Nothing! I listened, observed and listened.
After many years of telling my brain to shut down, learning to fight
back was not easy. It was so natural to shut down. Nevertheless, I
listened and every time I felt myself shut down, I gave a command to
fight back. I visualized the chemicals rushing into the blood stream and
throughout my body. I practiced and practiced. Gradually, I noticed a
difference in the severity and the duration of allergy attacks. Spring
1990 arrived (a usually difficult season, as I was allergic to tree and
grass pollens): no sneezing, no watery eyes, no coughing. Eureka! I did
it. I did it! This was and remains a physical and psychological victory
with extensive implications. I wanted to shout from the rooftops. I
wanted to tell everyone--Metaphysical healing works!!
With each
passing pollen season, I have been increasingly allergy-free. For three
years, it was necessary that I consciously made the effort to 'remind'
myself to fight back. I do not need to have total concentration anymore.
In addition, if I have allergic reactions to manufactured elements, I
do not hold myself responsible for generating the immune system to fight
back. This is due to the fact that the immune system protects the
system from natural elements; if I held myself responsible for
eliminating all allergic reactions, I could set up unrealistic demands
and constitute an unrealistic psychological failure as well.
A
note of caution for anyone who may think I have described this process
as simple and easy: it was very difficult and required concentration,
commitment and dedication. During the beginning stage of recovery, any
distractions resulted in reduction in concentration as well as reduction
in effectiveness. This was discouraging at times and I heard myself
saying, "See you cannot really change this damage, you are not as good
as you think you are." This was an example of all the negating and
demoralizing things my father said to me. It occurred to me, I was
allowing other people's words to control what I could or could not
accomplish today, and I became even more determined.
