Step one was to acknowledge I was powerless and unmanageable. The
first part is a conclusion I drew about myself after learning the facts
about my disease as outlined in the Big Book. After honestly relating
my experiences drinking to the "Doctor's Opinion" and the first three
chapters I concluded, "Yes, I am an alcoholic. I have a problem with
drugs and alcohol."
The second part is an agreement I make with
the fact that yes, my life is unmanageable. I have a problem living. Not
surviving or getting by, but actually living the life I always wanted
to live. One without the constant fear, guilt, and remorse I lived with
while drinking. A life without constantly fighting everyone and
everything to have things my way. One I didn't have to prove myself to
anyone or live up to anything.
Until I could admit that I was both
powerless over drugs and alcohol and my life was unmanageable, I
wouldn't need to try and be sober. It's that simple. I believe this is
what our book refers to on page 30 when it says "We had to concede to
our inner most selves that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in
treatment." I was confusing wanting to be sober with wanting the
consequences of my drinking to go away. For me, I knew I was alcoholic,
but my life just wasn't unmanageable enough. When I admitted complete
defeat was when I hit my bottom and was able to begin true recovery.
I
was so self-sufficient it almost killed me. I lost everything I cared
to lose and kept trying one more time to feel that ease and comfort
which comes at once by taking a few drinks. The problem was I just
couldn't get to that place anymore. I was stuck in self-pity. I went to
treatment, I was doing aftercare, attending meetings daily and couldn't
stay sober. I wanted to be sober and feel at ease and comfortable.
That's the big dilemma for me getting and staying sober. The only tool I
had to make life livable was alcohol and it quit working. I had to find
a new way to do things.
I had a chance to be with my family
Thanksgiving after a year of tough love. It was a weekend I will always
remember. We were hiking in the mountains and I was overcome with the
presence of His beauty and the unconditional love of family. I was
filled with gratitude and the sense that I didn't have to live in the
pain of my drinking ever again. My eyes opened to the possibility of a
sober, happy life. I was powerless over alcohol and my life was
unmanageable. I had taken step one. I was ready for recovery.
So
what do I do? I work the remaining steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a
sponsor who has worked them. Not a drug and alcohol treatment center,
not aftercare, not an Oxford House, not 90 meetings in 90 days, not
anything else. Those things are helpful tools but by themselves they
cannot keep me sober. If I could just not drink no matter what--as it is
often suggested to newcomers, I wouldn't have a problem! It isn't easy,
but nobody said life is. I had to quit feeling sorry for myself, grow
up and take action to save my life. As soon as I recognized that and
quit fighting it got a lot easier.
May all of you struggling with
that first step find your way. Make this your bottom and get on with the
joy of living in recovery.
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